I should be sponsored by Trojan
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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