people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
