OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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