paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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