We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
