eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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