I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
