So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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