Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
