So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
