At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
