I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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