dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
