I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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