can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize