I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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