So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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