The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
