quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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