put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
