I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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