Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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