a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
