I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
