Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
