I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
