dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize