After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I had to cum in my sink.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
