It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
