at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
