It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
