OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize