Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
