I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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