Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
