Umm I'm too high to move.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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