How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize