how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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