Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
