so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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