You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
