she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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