I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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