he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
