Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize