they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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