he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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