Sry I called you an 8
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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