So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
