so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
