i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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