Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
