Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
