First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
