i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
