Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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