I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
