I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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