he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
