another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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